Absurd And Humorous Websites

Using my real name:

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At age 53 a large monkey will beat you to death, using the antiquated art of fisticuffs.

I knew I hated monkeys for a reason. The bastards.

Using Tabby:

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At age 61 the artificial intelligence software you programmed becomes self aware and devours you. You will be saved to disk though, so no worries.

This is much cooler.

The calendario romano, a calendar starring "12 pages of hot priests and seminarians". Perfectly safe for work (well, they are priests!) but you guys, they're hot priests staring moodily off into the distance. With silly hats. Seriously, I might've stuck with Catholicism if all our parish priests looked like this.

Yeah, my church never had preists like this.

(Really, that picture is most un-priestlike.)

Aw, Father June is holding a kitty-cat!

Isn't Lust one of the Seven Deadly Sins? The Church is trying to make everyone go to hell now?

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At age 82 too many imitation cheese based snack foods leads to a dietary condition which causes your life to end.

Well, I'll just tell that Chester Cheetah to take a hike, then!

At age 81 you will take a near lethal dose of mescaline, wander the desert for six months, and eventually be eaten by coyotes.

With my real name:

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At age 48 you will be eaten by birds in Manhattan's Central Park.

I'll just be avoiding NYC and birds, then.

With Lily Rose:

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At age 47 a large monkey will beat you to death, using the antiquated art of fisticuffs.

...and apparently monkeys as well.

At age 43 I will refuse to give a quarter to a beggar. Immediately afterward I will be hit by a bus.

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At age 73 you will drown in a wading pool under mysterious circumstances. The only clue will be a small blue pacifier found around your neck.

and

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At age 45 you will become lost during a road trip and wind up living out the movie "Wrong Turn". Sorry for ya.

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At age 80 you will be struck by lightning while trying to move the antenna beside your mobile home in order to pick up late night adult movies.

Whoooo-hooooo!

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Isiscloud: At age 75 you finally kick the heroine habit! Congratulations. Unfortunately you stopped because you died from an overdose.

I'll take struck by lightning for $1000, Alex.

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At age 78 you will die from wounds delivered by a blender after trying to make your sixteenth magarita of the day. (And it's on 3:00pm, shame on you!)

If I die being able to hold that much booze, I will be able to die proud.

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At age 65 you will go down in a small raft, in your friend's pool, and subsequently drown

Okay, not really a good way to go.

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caramel coffee: At age 40 you will have a heart attack while eating a deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwich, Elvis style.

I have a feeling its the allergy to peanuts that will kill me.

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zelle999: At age 59 you will start sleeping more and more. After six months of this you will be sleeping 19 hours a day. By month seven, you do not wake up anymore. You cease breathing during month nine.

Yikes, this wouldn't be so scary if it weren't for the fact that I did sleep, like, 14 hours yesterday.